Why I Pay $14.00 For 12oz Of Coffee Beans

Sure
They start by
Procurring the finest
Aribica coffee beans
Available anywhere
In the world

Searching for
Small volume growers.

They are devoted
To developing direct
Sustainable
And financially beneficial
Relationships
With the small
Independent
Producers
And the communities
In which they live.

Small focused
Microlot crops
Are spoon fed pure glacial water
Imported from Iceland
And fertilized with
10,000 year old bat guana
Scraped from the floors
Of previously untouched caves
From an undisclosed and hyper secretive
Location somewhere on the Japanese rim

Or so they say.

The beans
Are gently massaged daily
By hand
While still juicy on the plant
And ‘coached’
By trained
‘Life Affirming Specialists’
Providing a ‘positive’
Growth environment.

The mature beans are harvested
Individually
At the precise moment
As some would say
“At the height of orgasm”
Meeting strict standards and guidelines
Set forth by the SCAA
The Roaster’s Guild
The International Cupping Society
And the Barista Guild.

The beans are flown in
Cryovaced
First Class...
Meaning each bag
Has it’s own seat
Watching first run movies
Or the option
To listen to one of one hundred and thirty
Streaming
Digital Sirius channels.

Once in house
The beans undergo yet another scrutinous inspection
Under a jeweler’s glass
To make sure they meet
This sommelier’s high caliber.

The coffee is then roasted
In a vintage
Gas fired
Probat UG-15 Roaster
That has been in continuous use
By the same family
From a small village
In Northern France
Since it’s date of manufacture
In 1956.

The same roaster is owned by
Only 16 other people
In the whole world.

I buy my vacuum sealed
12oz of beans
Only a day or two
After they have been roasted
For $14.00.

I take it to the counter
To have it ground.

Stove top espresso.

A real live trained chimpanzee
Dressed in Ralph Lauren
Grinds my beans
To the correct consistency
Using a hand grinder
And it takes a good seven minutes
For 12oz.

The monkey hands it to the Ford model
Working the register.

She is a red head.

Unusual for the modelling industry.
Maybe that’s why she is working
At a coffee boutique.

Whatever.

She is georgeous.

Bright eyes
Smooth skin
Delicious hair.

Her wet lips speak

“Do you have an account?”

“No”
I answer.

She takes my card and swipes it
As only a highly trained
Super model could.

I sign the vellum receipt
And take my coffee home
To make the most perfect
Chocolatey
Frothy
Red head foam
Espresso
In this neighborhood.

The pot
Sings sweetly.

Vivaldi I think.