Everything Under The Sun

You asked me to get tested

For everything under the sun

And that’s exactly what I told my doctor

In his office

The day of my scheduled

Physical.

By all accounts

I shouldn’t even be here

Amongst the living

Let alone

All the physical near misses

That could have caused

Dismemberment

Permanent disfiguration

Scarification

Impaired movement

Blindness

Or possible confinement

To a wheelchair

Or hospice bed.

I don’t understand

How I have evaded

Diseases

Like hep, AIDS, HIV

Syphillus, Gonhorrea

Genital Warts

Chlamydia

HPV and herpes.

My behaviour was an open invitation

To all of the above.

I have narrowly missed ODing

I’m sure.

I’ve consistently put myself

In dangerous situations

Which were a crap shoot

Whether I arrived back home

At the end of the day.

Yet here I am for you

Telling my doctor

“Yep. I want the works!”

“Test me for EVERYTHING.”

I know now what the outcome will be.

It will be the same as every other year.

I’ve not put myself at risk

In a very long time.

My life is not dull by any means

Just different.

I have just been tested for everything under the sun

And they phoned me with my results.

They are as I expected

No surprises.

I am extremely healthy.

Non HIV, STD negative, blood great

LBL good, HDL very good

Cholesterol is good and the good kind

Triglycerides are excellent

I’m not anemic

And my prostate is “Nice”.

Go figure.

I’m not paying the Big Guy off

And I haven’t made a pact with the Devil

That I know of.

I have no explanation whatsoever.

And I’m more surprised than anyone

That me, myself and I

Should be the poster child

Of good health.

I mean, really...