The Torrid Affair That Never Happened

Between Batman And Wonder Woman

My son has discovered

The joyfully comic 1960’s kitsch

Of the original “Batman” TV serial.

He received the complete run

Of like 120 episodes

From Santa

In his stocking

Last Christmas.

“Holy Batshit!”

That’s a lot of episodes!

Now he can be found

In the dark

Of early morning

On weekends

Glutoneously watching “Batman”.

This being a boy

Who won’t wake up on school days

Repeatedly telling me

“I’m coming”

“I’m waking up”

When I call him

Three or four times

Trying to wake him.

He just keeps hitting my snooze button.

One of the devices

On Batman’s belt

Must make little boys tune in

“Same Bat Time, Same Bat Channel”.

It got me hooked!

The bright colors.

The deadpan humor delivered in all seriousness.

The stellar enthusiastic performances

Given by guest star villains.

It was a must see in my busy schedule.

Even in my prepubescence

I recognized

Batman as being

Too much of a dork

For the ultra sultry and mischievious

Catwoman.

She was hot!

I always thought

A better matchup

Would’ve been Wonder Woman.

She was also hot

In a different kind of way.

And since they never paired

The two of them

On either’s show...

Different decades...

I had to work it out

In my own imagination.

Little did I know then

That this affair

Never would have worked.

Batman was way too much into Dick.

Dick Grayson

Mild mannered

Sidekick Robin

Who was apparently

A little too comfortable

In his cape cruise aider outfit

Of tights

Colored briefs

And gloves.

It is most evident

When they are Bat Climbing

Up the side of a building.

It’s always the Boy Wonder

Climbing up first

Bent over forward

In front of Batman

His ass just a few homoerotic inches away

From Batman’s face.

A young ward

To millionaire Bruce Wayne.

Last time I checked

The definition of ‘ward’

I didn’t see the words

‘Boy toy’

Or ‘NAMBLA’.

It would have never worked out

Between Batman and Wonder Woman.

Oh my God!

To be tied up

In the Lasso Of Truth...

That was my fervent fantasy!

Who wouldn’t?

“Yes...yes...Wonder Woman.

I cannot deny

My attraction.

You are so hot in your crown

And patriotic bloomers

That make your ass

Look so fine

And the pushup

Does wonders for your

Wonder Woman boobs!”

“Jeezus...

Your long luxurious black hair

Flowing down over your snow white

Shoulders like Cinderella

Makes my adolescent mind think

Dirty thoughts Linda Carter!”

“I’m the young man for you!”

“Do what you will with me!”.

I thought back then

That she would fly us

Somewhere isolated and secluded

In her invisible plane.

We’d make love

To each other...

Hardcore and pornographic like...

Patriotism flying in my face

All the while.

Red white and blue!

While Batman and Robin

Held things down

In Gotham City

Their love and wonton of each other

Carefully kept in place

Secretly

Delicately so

By sponsors and censors

For decades.

But I watch “Batman”

Now with my son

With just as much enthusiasm

And it is so apparently obvious...

The love affair between Wonder Woman

Or Catwoman

Or any woman

For that matter...

Would never have happened.

There ain’t no device on the Bat Belt

That could change something like that.

It would just encourage

Boy Wonder’s allegiance

I’m sure.

Dynamic duo.