Hold Fast Captain!

Hold fast captain!

The ship is going down

Like your momma on a Friday night...

After a few tumblers of rum!

Sir!

And the crew is acting all girley

Running around and screaming

Complaining about a few shots

That we took into the brig’s aft

Like it was their own arse

For Christ’s sake!

Supplies are low...

The mates be lookin’ at each other

Like they were roast pigs

Or broiled pheasants

And the barrels of grog

Be but sterns or mugs by now!

The crew is getting tempered

And hornery...

Always ugly they be...

But peaceful and loveable like babies on the teat

As long as they swill their daily ration.

The sails be as tattered

As a whore’s skirt in Cartegena.

They can’t hold a wind

Like the first mate after a second helping

Of Thursday night’s stew made from the

Previous three days leftovers!

We’re doomed I tell ya!

Hold strong and steadfast!

Not a greater ship was she!

Our arsenal is limited and exhausted

Between counterattack and impairment.

We are as fucked

As a toothless prostitute

That’ll do anything

With anyone

And however many

For a worn out piece of silver!

No allusions to your mammy sir!

The English Navy is gaining...

I think that I can finally say that we are truly

Royally screwed!

The mates are buggering each other

As last requests Sir!

Trousers and britches be littering the deck

And the rest ain’t a pretty sight

Ta see!

A ripe and ugly bunch they are!

Sir!

The entire ship has gone mad!

Like scurvey has set!

Or the plague!

Everyone is running around the fore

Out of their heads like the rats!

Before my lowly soul sets upon

The icey waters sir...

I would like to tell you

What an honor it has been

To be under your guide...

The well endowed figurehead

Of “Calypso’s Whore”

Has been my lover

For a half a lifetime.

She was a beautiful ship sir!

I see the fire of anger in your eye!

I can see the determination

And madness!

We might be meeting our maker sir

But we are not yet defeated!