“I’m A Squirter”
She Said





She kept wearing me down
Calling me
To come over to her house
For some
Action.

She had worked me over
Previously
At a party
Following me into the men’s room
To kiss me.

We had kept in touch sporadically
By phone since then.

So
This past week
On my day off
I said
“What the hell”
And gave into her
Against my better judgement.

I had a ton of stuff to do
But I figured that maybe
This was a turning point
In what would otherwise
Be a normal
Routine day.

Maybe I needed to be spontaneous.

I went over to her house
And she kissed me
Softly
Unsure
I think.

She seemed a little unstable.
I couldn’t put my finger on it.

She poured some wine
Which I wasn’t into
Considering I was still waking up
But I drank it anyway.
Things were a little off
From the get go
And I didn’t know why.

Up until then
Things were pretty hot.

She took me on a tour
Of her house
And showed me personal things.

I was starting to wish
I wasn’t there.

We moved upstairs
To her bedroom.
It was more of the same.

I was thinking that I had made a mistake
In coming over to her house.

But I was there.

And as we took off our clothes
And got into it
I realized
That
This wasn’t going to work.

She was really pungent.
She smelled tangy and acrid.

Overbearingly so...

I’m a liberal, understanding guy
Game for anything.

But...

I couldn’t deal.
I was turned off.

Then she said

“I have to tell you that I’m a squirter”.

I thought to myself

“There is NO WAY that you are squirting THAT all over me”.

It went downhill from there.

I couldn’t even get hard.

It was a very awkward situation
But I was a gentleman
And I blamed it on myself.

“I don’t know what is going on...but I can’t get it up”.
“I’ve never had this problem before”.

There she was.
She wanted to be fucked.

But I couldn’t
For the life of me...

Get it up.

“Must be the wine”
I concurred.

Perhaps later
She wrote in her
Diary of lovers...
“# 93: Theo”
“Thought he was going to be good in bed but he couldn’t even get it up”.
“Very awkward”.

I was SO not into it.

I was surrounded by her smell
And I definitely didn’t want to see her squirt.

So we lie in her bed for a little bit
Holding each other.
We told each other
That everything was okay
But I knew
That everything was wrong.

I should have been at home
Getting the things done
That I had set out
To get accomplished.

I would have felt much better
Then.

Instead I achieved nothing much
At all.